Hugely Influential Music Website Has Shit for Content.

This has been eating at me all morning. This shit was posted on Pitchforkmedia.com today. From a review of the new Swan Lake album:

Would that we typists could forego consumer-report linearity as we survey Swan Lake, opting instead in our reviews, as the act does in its songs, to isolate and juxtapose-- and then to isolate by juxtaposition-- loaded fragments, pleas, and images.

Are you fucking serious? This cannot possibly pass for valid criticism. This is shit, and is the number one reason people rip on pitchforkmedia. Generally, they do an ok job of scouting out boring stories about who's touring, recording, blah blah, but this is really scraping the bottom of the barrel. This opening paragraph to a review about a record I've never heard is so laden with elitist crap, it makes me want to shoot myself. Who wants to read a review written by some fuck that just wants to see his words on the internet. And I know that he knows that his little review will instantly propel Swan Lake's album sales sky high, if it deserves it or not.

And in the way that this album will succeed, Damien Rice's will probably do less than fantastic, thanks in part to this trashy review:

Hey, guys, you know what? Damien Rice is pretty much the vanguard of the avant-garde: a Bladerunner-snazzy digital billboard beckoning toward a brave, new, post-emotional future. Sure, the canny Irish artiste may have fooled a lot of people into thinking his ostensible watered-down coffeehouse troubadour shtick was boring enough to win a Mercury Prize, but a few of us know better. Maybe you're saying I'm full of shit: maybe you can't actually hear the new sound of the 21st century because you're still so busy half-listening to the first 30 seconds of the latest "leaked" indie album, breathlessly registering your online approval in comment boxes between ritual visits to goatse.cx.

Now, I don't want to have to point out how banal and pointless this paragraph is, but I would like to say to Mr. Marc Hogan, why are you alienating your demographic? I mean, the album might not be very good (I don't personally like Damien Rice's music), but why would you take this opportunity to make fun of the people who optimistically clicked on your review hoping to read about their beloved songwriter? And, you know, I'm not a fuckin internet or indie genius, and I don't generally download "leaked" albums (why is this in quotation marks? are they only labeled "leaked," but in reality have been placed there by viral marketers? what are you driving at Hogan?), but I don't know why he's decided to include the link to goatse.cx. People who have been on the internet longer than a few years quickly figured out that there is no such thing as "ritual visits" to this site. You go there once, and if you have a memory for things disgusting and graphic, never again. I demand to know, Marc Hogan, why are you so obsessed with this site that you need to ritually visit it? If, like I suspect, this was not an allusion to your private browsing habits and instead a kind of meta-troll, disguised as a plug—goading people to visit the site who've never seen it—then fuck you. What a dick-hole move, and Marc Hogan, you should be banned from the internet. Also, to all the "writers" at pitchfork, stop writing narcissistic "record reviews" that suck the souls out of those who still enjoy music and still have souls.